Becoming Genuine

I grew up in a turbulent and stressful environment.  As a result I spent much of my life arranging my life as to not make things worse.  I did stand up for myself and for what I believed, but I tried to be everything to as many people as I could so that my life went much smoother than it did at home.

The end result of my reaction to my environment was that as my life progressed I lost more of the real me.  So much so that I began to isolate myself and insulate myself from anything that would cause discomfort.

There were times in my life that I would make an attempt to make changes, but after awhile I would revert back to the person I had become and dig myself a little deeper into my isolation.  It just seemed like I got so little benefit from so much work and discomfort.

I want this time to be different.  Changing the way one thinks is not the easiest thing to do.  I struggle to continue to find the motivation I need to continue doing the things that will help facilitate the desired changes I want.

So what changes do I want to make in my thought processes and lifestyle.  First of all I am constantly battling the negative thoughts that come into my head.  Changing from thinking negatively about every little thing that goes wrong is a very large challenge for me.

Being genuine with others is another challenge that I have.  I am learning to listen more than I talk and trying hard not to insert myself into everyone else's conversations unless invited.  I am trying hard not to turn the conversations toward myself.  This is how I have interacted with people in the past.  Its not that I am conceited, its that I am trying to identify with others by showing I have had similar challenges and experiences.  Unfortunately this comes off as being self- centered.

I find it more easy to be genuine when I write than when I am speaking with a group of people.  Being vulnerable and asking for help is not natural for me since I have spent years not relying on other people and just being a survivor.  This is the reason that I have no close friends.  To others I appear closed off and so others are not willing to make the effort to get to know me better.  When my reality is that I care so much for others that I isolated myself to prevent myself from getting too involved in other people's problems when there was no reciprocated friendship.

My genuine self is nervous and scared that I am not likable and that my tendency to prize facts over feelings drives people away.  Its not so much that I am left brained, but that facts are easier and cleaner to deal with than emotions. If asked how a painting makes me feel I will look at you like you are nuts.  But if you ask me how a story made me feel I will gladly let you know.

Yes I do have some serious defense mechanisms to overcome, but I am diligently working on them.  Identifying those mechanisms is only a fraction of the battle.  Figuring out how to abandon them is the larger part.