When I was young I loved to dance but hated doing anything like sports, run etc. Hiking was ok, but I much preferred to stay inside and read a book. My metabolism was very fast so I could eat anything I wanted, but as a teenager at 5 feet 4 3/4 and 124 pounds I felt I was fat. I ate because I liked food even though I hated that my body reality didn't fit with my vision of it.
Fast forward many many years. I still don't like doing anything that is considered exercise, but I know that its important so I schedule workouts and grit my teeth while I do them. Unlike some people I don't release feel good endorphins and it is a chore to get through a workout. I don't feel more energized after a workout and I don't feel bad when I don't workout. My metabolism has slowed quite a bit and eating anything I wanted has gotten me to over 200 pounds. Granted I build muscle quickly so I don't look anything close to my weight since there is a lot of muscle under the padding I do have.
These are not excuses, these are the realities that I face. I do really well with my workouts and fizzle on controlling my diet or I do really well with my diet but fizzle on my workouts. When I am doing well on my workouts I do really well for a short time and then I find reasons to not work out. When I am doing really well with both I can lose weight but then something comes along and halts all of my progress. With the supplements that I take I don't crave the sugar like I have in the past and eating a lower carb diet is much easier. The cravings are gone, but that doesn't mean that if I see food on tv or feel bored that I don't go looking for food.
Food and I have a very difficult relationship. I like to eat. Its one of the few vices I have. That and reading too much. TV doesn't hold the attraction it once had but food and reading can overrun any good intentions that I have. The reason that I liked dancing, was the social aspect of it or being able to perform for other people. Neither of those is available to me so dancing no longer holds the appeal it once had either. I know that I want to be physically fit. I want to stay healthy and able for as long as I can, but exercise for one who really doesn't like it, is way too easy to find excuses to avoid.
I battle each day for what I want more, to lose weight and become fit, or have the fleeting pleasure of food right now. It took me years and 4 pregnancies to get to where I am and getting to the fitness level I would like to be at will not happen overnight either. I find myself trying to recommit daily only to have my discipline leave me at a critical time. I have a hard time with a lifestyle change that will see me limiting or eliminating foods that have been my comfort, my pleasure or my boredom killer for the rest of my life.
The struggle is real and even with all the commitment and determination that I have I still find it difficult to follow through on what I need to do in order to like myself in the mirror again, but then again I never did like myself in the mirror. I guess I need to learn to like myself where I am now so that once I get to where I want to be fitness wise I can like myself in the mirror even better.
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